The Internet Tells Me Things

I recently updated to a fancy-pants Gmail account. My hotmail account that I had created in middle school—that is creatively a parody combining my nick name and the Nike slogan—just didn't give me that same feeling of exhilaration once I had to use it to email professors, not to mention anybody over the age of 14.

I haven't had the heart to get rid of it just yet. It comes in handy for various things here and there, but I recently noticed and felt like somebody was trying to tell me something more regarding this issue. You see, every once in I while I get emails that promote Viagra. Obviously this is not a market I have any interest in so I figured these emails must have a multi-layered meaning. I think I have finally figured out what these viagra hawkers are getting at: your email address is old, and that's why we think you're old and possibly interested in these products...Oh! And you must be poor, because this stuff is only $1.

Like any email address parent, hearing that your first and faithful email account just won’t cut it anymore is upsetting. Not to worry, I have contacted the proper authorities.

However, like many things in my life, I only wish I could have heard about this--a thing in my life that was embarrassing that I should have changed sooner--from one of my friends instead of the internet.