Post from 10-year-old me

Today I imagined what a blog post from a 10-year-old me would look like. I don't think it would be too different from this.

Hello,

I have learned a great deal over the past 10 years. I want to share the things I have learned pertaining to some of the most poignant questions that are being asked in these latter days. The question is, What smells good but tastes bad? I retort:

Imitation vanilla extract
Coconut smelling shampoo

That is all.

Up Next on the Bolivian Underground:

Katlyn wears a shirt to class that I fall in love with. It has silhouettes of kittens wearing bow-ties on it. Her boyfriend tells her she can no longer wear the shirt so Katlyn hands it over to me. I wear it to Thanksgiving dinner. I will also wear it tomorrow.

Birthday Suprises

Last year was my golden birthday. I turned 22 on the 22nd of December. To celebrate I had a small party with my very best friends. Phillip made sure I had my favorites which included peach cobbler, non-Christmas music, and games. Phillip also invited my parents.

Here is what happened that night.

Twenty minutes before my parents arrive I get a frantic call from my mother. She keeps yelling in the phone, asking if I would prefer brown or pink. I try to ask what it is she is planning on getting me that is brown or pink but each time I try her interrogation for the unknown brown or pink birthday gift gets louder and angrier. I assume it's a cardigan. Brown, I tell her.

I was wrong. Sorta.

My parents show up late, for being late is the true spirit of Bolivian culture. They hand me the gift, wrapped in a plastic Walmart grocery bag. Then they insist that I open it in front of my friends. I slowly pull the large square contents from the WalMart bag. There, on the front of the packaging was a blond haired woman, nestled warmly on a sofa, wearing nothing but a blue blanket with sleeves. It was a snuggie. My parents got me a brown snuggie.

If your parents have ever given you a snuggie in front of your friends as a sincere gift for your golden birthday then you will understand the mass confusion and embarrassment that overwhelmed me at that moment. I tried to stay positive. I thought you know, getting a brown sleeved blanked isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to me. No, the worst thing that has ever happened to me happened 10 seconds later when my mom and dad forced me to try it on in front of all of my friends!

Poor Caitlin and Jason! Poor Talisa! How awkward for them. They wanted to laugh so badly. I could see it in their faces. The problem was my parents weren't joking. They were deeply serious. It was a complete disaster and all we could do was cry.

So, the day before my birthday this year I hassled my mom. I hassled her about giving me gifts that were purposefully ugly and then returning them and keeping the cash without getting me a replacement gift. I hassled her about buying me clothes that were her style and her size which she would then wear to work the next day. Lastly, I hassled her about getting daughters snuggies for their golden birthdays. When I finished my rant she called me a "proud little girl", said she could get me whatever she wanted, and then asked until how late the mall was open that night, the night before my birthday. She hadn't even gotten me anything yet. Right then I decided to just give up.

So I bet you are wondering what she got me this year. I am happy to inform you that my mother gave me some really cute white-gold post earrings, quality eye shadow, and an itunes gift card. It was surprisingly thoughtful and I felt terrible. Why? Because just before I got on my mom's case about her birthday giving habits I showed her the beautiful pearl earrings Phillip had given me as a surprise for my birthday--which is exactly what I wanted and I adore them. It turns out, a week earlier she had gotten pearl earrings for me too. She asked how late the mall was open until because she wanted to go exchange the pearl earrings for something else since Phillip had already given me some. My sweet mother braved the mall during Christmas week to get me, her ungrateful daughter, some new earrings.

Yes, I felt awful for hassling my mother about birthday gifts. Phillip made sure of it.

After my birthday dinner I hugged my mom, and told her thank you for everything. I'm pretty sure I apologized too. I realized that all the thoughtless gifts over the years didn't matter and that I have been given something more valuable than earrings or snuggies. I have crazy Bolivian mother who's outrageous personality and stories will make my blog so popular that companies will pay me money to run their ads on this same blog. And those ads will make me very rich someday.

Just kidding. Or am I? Ha ha, I'm totally joking. I love my mom. No, but seriously.

Up next on the Bolivian Underground:

Shep gives me the look I have always wanted--short curly hair! It feels like a complete makeover. That same day I back our car into a concrete-like mound of snow. The car also gets a makeover.